Something about being drunk brings out something juvenile in me. I swear it isn’t because I drank a lot as a kid or anything. Well, whatever it is, it is an undeniable and powerful force in my drunken state of mind.

So, I suppose it’s only natural that every so often, I find myself climbing a tree in a drunken stupor. I don’t know if it’s the alcohol or my age that makes this feat both particularly difficult and embarrassing but, well, after a night of drunken tree climbing, you can bet I wake up with some strange scrapes and bruises.

It might just be better to skip the tree climbing portion of the evening next time.

Most people who know me, know that I have a tendency to be, well, less than outwardly affectionate.
But it’s with good reason!
Have you ever cuddled with somebody afterwards? It can actually be nice for a little while… and then the heat generated by two bodies becomes overwhelming and you start feeling really sticky.
Or worse yet, your arm is around the other person and it starts to fall asleep with the other person cutting off your blood supply.
Cuddling is dangerous, people! Consider yourselves warned.

Okay, I may be exaggerating there, but when there are only, like, two other guys who like guys at the party, well, it’s pretty obvious who was doing the deed.
I’ve never been one to care about other people talking (especially since the other dude was quality hook-up material. I mean, when was the last time somebody’s drunk hookup was actually hot?), still it’s always a little awkward when somebody walks in on you with your tongue down someone’s throat.
Yup, that’s right. I keep it classy.

I’ll admit, many of the subtleties of cooking are lost on me. The fact that you have to brown the rice then let it simmer (even when I’m sober, I don’t really get what “simmering” is) is two too many steps for me. Maybe that’s how I ended up almost burning the house down.

Sure, I could take a cooking class, but why not play to my strengths? I’m sticking to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

YouTube is a slippery slope, my friends. I’ve heard countless tales of people going to see one 30 second clip of a kitten doing something cute (let’s face it, half of YouTube is kitten videos) and before you know it, they’ve lost an hour of their lives.

Now, imagine that same phenomenon paired with a drunken state of mind. You’re watching a kitten video and before you know it, it’s on to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. C’mon, it’s not that far of a stretch. I mean, they’re both animals. After you’ve watched some TMNT, it’s on to martial arts demonstration videos, one of which will undoubtedly feature a kid accidentally karate kicking someone in the balls, which leads to America’s Funniest Home Videos reruns on YouTube… see where I’m going with this?

After a couple of drinks, your mind and YouTube co-conspire to prevent you from doing anything productive for the rest of the night. Beware.

Every so often, I find myself overwhelmed by a strange impulse. This is, of course, the desire to clean.
Now, granted, this doesn’t happen very frequently, but when it does? You better watch out because I go at it hardcore.

Now, what, you may ask, is dangerous about cleaning while under the influence?

Well, nothing really. It’s just, it doesn’t do you much good. If you’re anything like me, you’ll drunkenly clean, tuck stuff away, and when you wake up the next morning to a clean room, the first thought on your mind will be, “well, where the hell did I put everything?”

You’ll then spend the rest of the morning tearing apart the room you just cleaned so that you can find one little thing.

Do yourself a favor and cut out the middle man. Just keep it messy.

You wanna see a grown man weeping, just get him some white wine and put on the Six Feet Under series finale.

I debated writing about this one, because, not even sober did this one seem like a good idea, but I really wanted to see that moment where Claire goes off on her rant about the Iraq War to the family that just lost a son.

“Well, I’m already kinda bummed out, so why not just go all the way?”

Cut to Sia and a 24-year old man-child sobbing.

I am not a student of mixology. I’m of the mindset, “if I make a mixed drink that tastes too strong, it’ll just get me drunk faster.” Yeah, I don’t make mixed drinks a lot… but there are some drinks that you actually need to be more precise about. Case in point? The Jello shot.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and no, I’m not some sorority girl who gets drunk on Malibu rum every weekend, but ya know what? Sometimes I like to mix it up with my booze. Pun absolutely intended.

Anyways, the other week, I had made a solid batch of jello shots and I was trying to remember the portions so that I could recreate them. Mind you, I was trying to make more Jello shots because I’d already had a dozen or so and finished off the ones we already had.

My measuring skills? Slightly off when I’m intoxicated.

My math skills? Non-existent.

Ya know what you get when you put too much vodka in a Jello shot? Not only is it foul-tasting, but it won’t completely solidify, so you get this gelatinous mess of (in this case) lime and vodka. Not great.

Do yourselves a favor and stick to the recipe.

To be fair, this isn’t something that I would do. This is more a warning to others that they shouldn’t waste their time pitching to me when I’m drunk. In fact, I’m shocked that I even hafta say this at all.

I mean, seriously, who tries to sell a drunk dude on their idea? But ya know what’s even worse? When even the drunk guy can find holes in your story.

Normally, I’d try and find nice ways of problematizing the pitch, but when the drinks start flowing, the gloves come off.

So please, for your own ego’s sake, don’t pitch to me when I’m drunk.
I’m kinduva dick.

Now, by now, most of you know me… or maybe that’s just because only people I know have been reading this, but whatever your affiliation, it should come as no surprise that I love to drink.
This isn’t a post suggesting that you abstain from wine, but there’s something to be said about opening up a bottle.
No, I’m not gonna be pretentious and lecture you on letting the wine breathe and all that. Instead, my advice to you is pretty simple.
Don’t open up a bottle of wine if you have no plans of finishing it. By the time you’re a couple glasses in and feeling a wee bit tipsy, the effort of getting the cork back into the bottle is just plain not worth it. Take it from a pro.